your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
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So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
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I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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