If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
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His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
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i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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