Can Purell be used as lube?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
