Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
