I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
