so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
