member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
