So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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