you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
