Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
