Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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