I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
