Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
