I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I still have a little drunk in my system
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
