My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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