end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Me. At least after what I've been through.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
