So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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