I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
operation harelip BJ is a go
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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