sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
