One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
