oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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