hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I think I just sharted jello shots
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
