You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
