I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
