The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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