My hand turned me down
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
