Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
pray to the hookup gods
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
