in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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