i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
