I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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