So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
