I showed him my bush... on skype.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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