The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We just shotgunned beers for America
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
