the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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