i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??