Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
