Im at strip club and am horny
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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