I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
