Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
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