He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
