I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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