i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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