I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
