i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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