I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
