she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
