I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
