2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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