this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
