I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
