That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
