Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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