I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
