Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
