The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
